later on, i'll cry my stupid eyes out-- Kate Nash.

i like sitting in the park and i like walking through it i like taking my dogs there and friends and i like being alone i like flowers and simplicity i like compassion and thoughtful gifts i like being able to shout but i wish i could be quiet but when i'm quiet people think i'm sad and usually i am sometimes when i'm at a busy trainstation somewhere big with noisy trains like kings cross i feel like putting down my bags and shouting out because i have something to say don't you want to share the guilt?

Kate Nash. Enough said.

"Upon my word Miss Elizabeth, You speak your opinion very decidedly for such a woman your age"...

Last night, two of my best friends and I spent the night in the apartment eating popcorn and talking about life. (Compared to the alternative plan for the night which entailed going to the gym, I think it goes without saying that it was the best thing we could have done with our time). :)

We talked about life, boys, future, etc. and after I shared my opinion about how girls search and settle for receiving love my friend responds with " Christie, you're more like Elizabeth Bennett than you think".

Obviously, I think I am like her in a lot of ways ( hence my blogger name) and this question came up in my mind-- am I like her because of how much I love and admire her character and story in Pride and Prejudice or do I love her character so much because of how much of myself I see in her?

I think the conclusion I came to is it's a little bit of both:

1. I speak my opinion very decidedly. I'm not really ever afraid to say what I think, even if it may not be the most agreeable, non-confrontational statement. Sometimes I may regret speaking my opinion or saying the first thing that comes to mind but for the most part I find myself regretting things I didn't say rather than things I did.

2. I'm an idealist. When Elizabeth gets proposed to by Mr. Collins he initially, because of his ignorance and pride, thinks that she is "playing hard to get"... translation to the 21st century: he's calling her a tease. um, sorry Mr. Collins just because you can't handle rejection does not mean you need to start with the name-calling. We all know, Elizabeth is not that kind of girl. She is a dreamer and a romantic. The only thing that would tempt her into marriage is love-- not money, not another's company, not social status... and that's exactly how I feel:

" My feelings in every respect forbid it. Can I speak plainer? Do not consider me now as an elegant female, intending to plague you, but as a rational creature, speaking the truth from her heart"

3. I'm a realist. I know this may seem like it contradicts the second point about Elizabeth being an idealist, but she is actually both. When Mr. Darcy proposed to her the firs time, although you could tell she was beginning to feel something for him; she refused his proclamation to tell her of his "ardent admiration and love" towards her. Why? There were reasons besides the heart to be dealt with-- he ruined her sister's happiness, he was proud, he "liked her against his better judgment" UM RUDE? I love the way Jane details Elizabeth's thought process immediately following the proposal:

"He spoke well; but there were feelings besides those of the heart to be detailed".

There's always that struggle, head versus heart. But in order to stay true to her heart, Elizabeth couldn't possibly accept the proposal, even if she loved him. It wasn't the right time. I think that's the most important thing thinking about Elizabeth (this time through) has taught me. Everyone asks that question-- do you follow your head or your heart? But basically what her decision to reject Darcy the first time is saying is that if it's right, you won't have to decide between the two. Elizabeth would never compromise her integrity just to "follow her heart". And in the end, of course after a lot of damage control by Darcy and heart revolution by God for Elizabeth, happily, she said yes :)...

"The Happiness which this reply produced was such as he had probably never felt before; and he expressed himself on the occasion as sensibly and as warmly as a man violently in love can be supposed to do"

And they both lived happily ever after. Yes, I believe that exists outside of the world of Jane Austen :)

dragging my fears out the door.

okay, I'm not as good at this updating my blog thing as I thought. Maybe it's because as much as I'd like to say that I'm a confrontational person... I usually don't like to confront my own short-comings. I try to be honest and speak truth into the lives of those I love, but I find myself letting true statements about myself linger in my mind so I don't have to face them. So, here I go...

Trust. It's an issue. With all these Tiger woods, jesse james, nameless (should be faceless)other douchebags roaming around in this world it's hard for me to trust any man. I'm completely aware that this makes me sound like a feminist that watches sex and the city re-runs and eats fro-yo as a statement against every man's "ideal woman", but it's the truth. I'm afraid of trust and I'm afraid to trust. Because I firmly believe love is trust or at least the two have a causal relationship one way or another. I feel like when you give someone your trust, you simultaneously give them your heart and if I can never get over this fear of trusting anyone I'll never give anyone my heart. But that's okay, right? At least it will be safe?

In his book The Four Loves C.S. Lewis writes the following statement:

To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even to an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements; lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness—it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable… The only place outside of Heaven where you can be perfectly safe from all the dangers …of love, is Hell-- (C.S. Lewis, The Four Loves).

This past Easter weekend I've been thinking a lot about the love Jesus had for us. After we broke His heart because of our sin, he gave his life. Now I'd like to think that I am a forgiving person, but at the same time I will not be taken for a fool. But when you look at Jesus from the world's standards, He was a fool. He gave up his life for undeserving, worthless sinners that betrayed him, broke his heart, denied him. When no one was there for him, He showed the greatest act of love the world has ever experienced. I'm learning to let Jesus be the man I trust and put my hope and faith in. People let you down all the time, there's no guarantee my heart won't be broken. But Jesus will always be there. No matter what... Pastor Tim Keller from Reality LA said this in a podcast sermon I recently listened to:

"Your boat is not going down because Jesus is in your boat! There is only one storm that can sink you-- the weight and debt of your sin. If He didn't abandon you in that storm, he will not abandon you in any other storm".

What a comfort. I place my trust in the One who chose to never leave me nor forsake me, even in the worst of times.

around the bend.

the photographs without the faces

the photographs of just the landscapes where we've been.

so I can, forget them easily...

like I wish I could forget you.

like I wish I could forget you.

Maybe I'll write this out or maybe I'll leave this down

Maybe I'll write this out or maybe I'll still look down...

for you, around the bend.

and wouldn't you love to love her?

We're watching a clip of Fleetwood Mac perform "Rhiannon" in my Music, TV and American Culture class. I love this song so much that if I have a daughter I would have trouble not naming her Rhiannon lol... I mean who wouldn't want to be this girl, such a mystery but obviously so incredibly special: "all your liiife you've never seen a woman, taken by the wind. would you stayyy if she promised you heaven, will you ever win?"

What a song. Stevie Nicks has to be the best songwriter possibly ever. Maybe I should name my daughter Stevie, like that contestant on American Idol who clearly had parents with high musical aspirations. Then again, she didn't make it that far in the competition... I wouldn't want my kid to feel like she had to live out her parent's dreams. Maybe I should stop thinking so far ahead in life and pay attention in class

... ummm scratch that now we are watching KISS perform, I'd rather think of hypothetical names for my baby haha...and now my professor is talking about his experiences with drugs... Professors and drugs have become quite a staple in my experience in USC music industry classes...

ANYWAY wow what a random post... here are my top 3 names at the moment because of my love and fascination with these admirable women (whether fictional or real-- (not to mention REALLY genuine and talented :)

Top 3 remain: Rhiannon, Stevie, TAYLOR

andd ohhh lookie here... we have all three :)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ECCg3eyvmQE

don't you know that i...

So I haven't updated in quite some time, but since I've been frequenting the blogosphere recently because several of my good friends are posting their adventures from super cool foreign lands, I thought I'd write a bit. And by write, I mean talk about music because, whether I like it or not, that's what comes out.

I love discovering unreleased songs by artists. It's like a secret treasure that they know not everyone will appreciate, so they don't release it to the mass media. Or maybe it's so close to the heart they don't know if they'd feel comfortable with their words being played all over top 40 radio or set to another character's story in a night-time soap opera. I recently came across an unreleased song byMat Kearney, one of my favorite artists EVER, called Everyone I know. He recently posted the following quote on his twitter: "a brave song looks away from nothing". I think every good songwriter strives to write a brave song, one that's fearless in execution. Leaving in the parts that your heart just vomits out onto the page and when taking a second look say mayyyybeee I shouldn't have used that word (exhibit a: this sentence's use of the word vomit). For Mat Kearney, this song is his heart vomit (I said it AGAIN!) He put it all out there. Described the situation as his heart saw it and became vulnerable. Maybe not to everyone, but to the person he loved: he gave his heart. I think that's what I long for, the courage to be vulnerable...

We pulled out on 65, saw Birmingham on a tuesday night

With your broken leg, our favorite song: "Julie, Julie" we sang along.

And our tired eyes pulled up the drive, could hear the phone ring on the other side

Of your front door, that your hands made. She was so surprised you came

and we talked about babies names, halloween in the pouring rain

And I fell asleep, on the couch and through the walls I kissed your moth

And I know what it's like

Cause everyone that I know

And every place that I go

And every story that I'm told

it's love. it's love. it's love

that we're looking for.

There's an outcry in the street where all the outcasts walk their beats

and all the widows and black sheep lay their souls down low to sleep

and i can hardly find the means or all the words i mean to speak

but still this fire inside of me, seems to much for me alone to keep.

And now the writings on the wall, forgotten crying kids

will you send a prayer for me? Will you help me to stand?

Because I know what it's like...

first train home.

I've realized that most of the songs on my recent playlists have to do with the idea of home. So many people have a different concept of what a home is. One of my favorite movies, the indie Zach Braff movie Garden State, home is explained in this way:

You'll see one day when you move out. Just sorta happens one day and it's gone. You feel like you can never get it back. It's like you feel homesick for a place that doesn't even exist. Maybe it's like this rite of passage, you know? You won't ever have that feeling again until you create a new idea of home for yourself. You know, for ..You're your kids. For the family you start. It's like a cycle or something. I don't know. But I miss the idea of it, you know? Maybe that's all family really is. A group of people that miss the same imaginary place.

Home has always been where my family is. Where the people i love the most are together within a secluded place where we can be ourselves, not be judged, not try to be something we're not. It just feels right; away from the pressures of the world and trying to fit in and trying to be successful. This concept of home has been ingrained in me for so long that i love it and can't picture myself shifting to some alternate definition of home. But lately I've been wondering, can 'home' be found with a person? As scary as it sounds, I think it can be found with someone you can be yourself with, it becomes like a perfect ideal. My new internship is with the management/licensing company that represents Ingrid Michaelson. I've been listening to her CD pretty much 24/7 and her song "Are We There Yet?" basically summarizes everything i've been feeling...

They say that home is where the heart is.
I guess I haven't found my home,
and we keep driving round in circles
afraid to call this place our own

and are we there yet?
home, home, home.

where you, lie on the rug. and I, play with the dog.


as simple as it is; i hope that is my future home. to be content, in someone else's presence forever.

Here's a video of her performing this song ( I love how she's wearing pj's :)