first train home.

I've realized that most of the songs on my recent playlists have to do with the idea of home. So many people have a different concept of what a home is. One of my favorite movies, the indie Zach Braff movie Garden State, home is explained in this way:

You'll see one day when you move out. Just sorta happens one day and it's gone. You feel like you can never get it back. It's like you feel homesick for a place that doesn't even exist. Maybe it's like this rite of passage, you know? You won't ever have that feeling again until you create a new idea of home for yourself. You know, for ..You're your kids. For the family you start. It's like a cycle or something. I don't know. But I miss the idea of it, you know? Maybe that's all family really is. A group of people that miss the same imaginary place.

Home has always been where my family is. Where the people i love the most are together within a secluded place where we can be ourselves, not be judged, not try to be something we're not. It just feels right; away from the pressures of the world and trying to fit in and trying to be successful. This concept of home has been ingrained in me for so long that i love it and can't picture myself shifting to some alternate definition of home. But lately I've been wondering, can 'home' be found with a person? As scary as it sounds, I think it can be found with someone you can be yourself with, it becomes like a perfect ideal. My new internship is with the management/licensing company that represents Ingrid Michaelson. I've been listening to her CD pretty much 24/7 and her song "Are We There Yet?" basically summarizes everything i've been feeling...

They say that home is where the heart is.
I guess I haven't found my home,
and we keep driving round in circles
afraid to call this place our own

and are we there yet?
home, home, home.

where you, lie on the rug. and I, play with the dog.


as simple as it is; i hope that is my future home. to be content, in someone else's presence forever.

Here's a video of her performing this song ( I love how she's wearing pj's :)

this is a message from your heart, your most devoted body part...taking blood and making art.

To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even to an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements; lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness—it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable… The only place outside of Heaven where you can be perfectly safe from all the dangers …of love, is Hell-- (C.S. Lewis, The Four Loves).


Wise and deep words written by one of the wisest men this world has ever known... I've read this book by Lewis before but re-reading this quote just made me realize that i've been wrapping my heart carefully around the busyness of life. not really listening or paying attention to what it's feeling or saying or leading me towards. It's been like this for a while, and i can't say it's not safe... i'm just afraid of its becoming hard when it should be vulnerable and attentive to the Lord's leading, at the same time I'm equally afraid of it being hurt.

Something's lost. But Something's gained in living, every day.

and if you care, don’t let them know… don’t give yourself away
I’ve looked at love from both sides now,
from give and take and still somehow
It’s love's illusions I recall, I really don’t know love… at all.


Joni Mitchell-- I don't think there are words to describe how deeply her voice speaks to the heart...

It's the sound of the unlocking and the lifting away...

This my excavation and today is kumran.

Everything that happens is from now on...

This is pouring rain

This is paralyzed

--Bon Iver~ re:Stacks

Bon Iver is the most soothing artist I have ever listened to. It's like his words and melodies create an addictive drone that repeats and replays in my head on days like this.

I've never been a fan of rain, although some of my fondest memories have been in the rain, or more like inside watching the rain. Maybe it's that feeling of warmth when the world outside is cold. To me, this song is about a cleansing experience that comes with putting your cards out on the table. I'm definitely not a fan of gambling but the analogy in this song of "stacks" is too pointed to miss. In a game of cards, like in life; you can either take risks and put all your chips on the table or you can sit back and guard your heart. It's kind of a challenge that I think we all go through in life in different situations. There have been times when I just feel like I need an excavation, kind of soul-searching experience to really let something go. When you have that declaration moment: FROM NOW ON... i'm not going to ________. The rain POURS and your thoughts disappear and you're paralyzed in what you've decided in your heart...

The thing that gets me about this song is the last verse where throughout the thought process he realizes that it's not like he's a new person. It's going to come back, you're going to relive it. The hurt never fully goes away: "This is not the sound of a new man"-- don't think he's got it all figured out. There's no clear slate here, it's just that he's committed to moving on. No "Crispy realization" here... he knows he's going to go back, your mind's going to wander and you're going to think back to those times BUT... that doesnt' change the path you've decided to choose.

It's kind of like Robert Frost's two roads. You've chosen this road, no bars to hold you down. This is regarding your stack of chips, everything you have out on the table and there's nowhere left to go but the future. This is what from now on feels like, are you ready for the challenge?

It's the one thing that I've known.

I should never think

what's in your heart,

what's in your home

So I won't...



So you hold off

when you should hold on.

That's the one thing that I've known.



Once I put my coat on

I'm coming out in this all wrong

She standing outside holding me

Saying oh please

I'm in love

I'm in love



Girl save your soul

Go on save your soul

Before it's too far gone

And before nothing can be done

Cause without me

You got it all

So hold on

--Robert Pattinson: Never Think.

If the movie He's just not that into you taught me anything it's this: I think girls are always the ones to put their whole heart into anything. Not that it's something to be ashamed of, but with our hearts on our sleeves we venture out into this "unknown"-- overthinking.

Rob Pattinson, God bless his soul is one good-looking guy-- shoutout to my Twilight homies haha :). But seriously, this song makes me love him so much more because he's kind of telling girls what they need to know. He's like a walking cover of Cosmpolitan:"Ten things you HAVE to know about guys!" But really this is what he's trying to say-- girls: STOP OVER-THINKING. All we girls do is think. Wonder what he feels in his heart, wonder where he feels like home... i know, i know you all are asking why wouldn't I think about this stuff? My heart is in this!

Well here it is, the truth. While you're out there putting your heart on the line... most likely he is holding off. For something better? maybe. Does he not like you? It's possible. But even if he does, guys have this weird fear I think, moreso than girls, of the uncertainty of their feelings and desires. They're like indecisive, A.D.D., carnal-driven (shout-out to Joann) species that never are quite sure of what they want, and even if they are: they're more likely to hold off and wait it out-- no rush right? and thenn...

What do us heart-sleeving girls do? we stand out in the rain, saying "Oh please- I'm in love!" We're holding on, knuckles clenched tightly around that one guy we can't let go of.. Yeah, major frustration sets in... We're the ones in love, they're the ones holding off. We're the all-or-nothing they're the well... maybee... is there something better out there?

Enter Rob Pattinson's message: Girl, Save your soul. Without me you've got it all, so hold on.

Basically this is what we have to do. If you're stuck on a guy, just let it go and save your soul. Either he's not the one, in which case you dont' want to waste your time with him anyway. or if he is...it's not the right time. Just hold on. No matter what, one of two things will happen
1. He'll realize you're worth it
2. You'll realize he isn't.

And no matter what happens, in the end your soul is saved if it's in the hands of the only one who is mighty enough to save-- Jesus <3

I'll take your words along with me...

Maybe one day they will mean something.

For now, they buzz and crumble down
A little bit too easily
From a time that I am not quite over,
what the hell is wrong with me.

I might be gone a little while,
I guess we'll see
I've gotta make a home out of somewhere,
and you're all over this city.

And it will take a flight to figure out

where i'm going to finally land

And by the time it takes for me together

it'll be time for me to start again.

And if the plane lifts off,

I'll write you a letter

To say goodbye.

And I will make it long and maybe lie just a little

tell you that i'm doing fine

And then i'd send it out and let things be

If not for you, for me and for the time I'd spent

foolishly loving thee.

Greg Laswell-- The One I love.

Greg Laswell is one of my favorite artists. There is just something about the honesty in his lyrics and the sad timbre of his voice. Sad but wise. Like he knows all the ins and outs of his heart. Maybe I like him so much because I'm envious of him... I've only had several instances where songwriting has helped me understand my own heart, rather than trying to understand my heart previous to writing a song. This song is on his 3rd album Three Flights from Alto Nido, released in August 2008. A good amount of time after his break-up with Mandy Moore, so one can assume that every heart-broken song on this album is about her. His only comment about this song in his interview/live session with Day-Trotter was that it was about "breaking up". Candid? I think not... there's no doubt how much mandy was "all over this city". and how difficult that must have been for his heart... although ironically rewarding for his inspiration as seen through the sheer brilliance of this album.

What I've learned from this song:

1: Don't date a celebrity; you can't get away from them, especially in Los Angeles.
2: sometimes you need to "take a flight to figure out where you're going to finally land",and that's okay. Don't hold on to things you need to let go of. Be free. Me and my roommates created a "Let Go, Let God-- No More Worries Wall" where we posted the things we need to give to God fully and let Him have His will in every situation. Whatever works for you, sometimes the very things we hold onto are the exact things God wants us to let go of.

3: It's okay to be unsure of why you're running from the one thing that you want. Life is full of uncertainties, but the most important thing is that you don't run away from yourself. Know your heart and hold fast to hope, it's what gets us through.